The Many Wonders of Starbucks Employment. Issue 3.

You order a




No Water,


No Foam,

Two Splenda,

Add Whip,

Chai Latte.

It’s not like this is difficult to make.  It’s no trouble at all, really– Splenda, Chai concentrate, add the soymilk (while holding back foam), whip it and it’s done.  To be honest, a lot of baristas enjoy a greater challenge because Starbucks has made us so pathetic, automatic, obsessive, and hungry for praise, dying a little every day at the hands of routine and uniformity…

So yeah, anyway.  I just want to ask this customer: Is there something wrong with your taste buds?  Did your mommy love you too little or too much? Eight pumps of Chai is pretty sweet, but also spicy, and I get this part of the order; Chai is awesome and should always be served nice and strong– good call.  And yes, soymilk complements Chai.  But then you want no water added, which means nearly twenty ounces of soy, and because Starbucks likes to play with double-edged swords, you’re getting soymilk that already has far too much sugar to actually be considered a “healthy alternative”.  Add that to all the extra Chai, and I think that’s enough sugar for a slight diabetic shock.  140° and no foam just makes you a pussy and a loser, but I’ll let those slide.  Whipped cream?  Well, we put it on ice cream sundaes, so I guess you may as well at this point.  But what really boggles my mind… TWO SPLENDA? REALLY?  It’s not SWEET ENOUGH that you require two packets of commercial sucralose (which by the way is 600 times sweeter than real sugar)?

Damn, bitch. Damn.


~ by rabbit on June 1, 2009.

One Response to “The Many Wonders of Starbucks Employment. Issue 3.”

  1. D-Glucopiranose + D-Fructofuranose = Sacralose
    a 1,2

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