•June 21, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Does anyone else remember The Magic School Bus books having an odd smell to them?

(I swear, I’m not crazy.)


A Retrospective Fail

•June 16, 2011 • Leave a Comment

As a child, I was enchanted with Winnie the Pooh.  By enchanted, I mean mildly amused, as well as sometimes confused… 

What’s up with Winnie the Pooh’s name?  First of all, no one ever calls him “Winnie”, they always say “Pooh” or “Pooh-Bear”.  Second, he’s the only one whose name does not reflect the animal that he is.  WTF.*

Rabbit’s a freakin’ rabbit and Tigger’s the one who bounces…

Is Christopher Robin wearing mary jane shoes??

Why does the honey look like Velveeta?

I still have my Winnie the Pooh doll.  Once upon a time, he had a little musical box under his famous red t-shirt, so when you pressed his belly, you would hear the theme song.  It was cute.  Then my brother punched the shit out of that bear and the music box stopped working.  The tune became warped and sad, so I snipped it out.  Pooh Bear lost his song.

Sorry, that was a tangent.  I was meaning to write about the slandering of Heffalumps and Woozles.

You know, Disney, you made elephants so cool with Dumbo.  You gave them hope, and dreams.  You told them they could fly, if not literally, then metaphorically.  Then with The Jungle Book, you kinda bogged them down.  You drafted them into the army!  I know it was the late sixties, and there was Vietnam, but damn.  And then with Winnie the Pooh, you not only murder their name, you start telling people that they’re honey thieves!  Elephants don’t even eat honey!

And the weasels… mmm… I think you just took advantage of their name.  Besides, they steal chickens, not honey.

It’s just nonsensical prejudice.  Saying that a particular species as a whole is a bunch of psychedelically colored hoodlums who are particularly talented at playing musical instruments and stealing stuff…

Disney, this is worse than the penis on The Little Mermaid cover.


*edit… I just wikied the origin of Winnie the Pooh’s name.  The author’s son, Christopher, had named his toy bear Winnie after an actual bear at the London Zoo, and a swan named Pooh.  Why a swan was named Pooh, I do not know.  And then for the book, it is said that Winnie’s arms are too stiff to swat a fly at his nose, so he goes “pooh” to blow it off.  Nonetheless, why is he “THE Pooh”?

This is the only way…

•June 15, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Because, really, it’s impossible to to not obey Samuel L. Jackson.

I’m sorry.

•June 15, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I’m so, so… sorry.  I didn’t mean to neglect you.  And you, and you, and you.  Whoever reads this.  Poor bastards.  You’re like the children of Sudan.  Okay, no, that was bad.

Good lawdee, it’s been almost a year.  Wanna know what I’ve been doing?  I know you don’t, but shut up.

Well, first, I was working two jobs.  Both had their perks,  but then I had to go with the one where I was working from 6am to 3pm or later, on my feet all day, not giving myself a break, all because I am insane.  It was fun, though.  Can’t complain when your boss gets you drunk on a regular basis.<3<3<3

What else, what else… lots of fun happenings.  I saw Paul McCartney, Neil Young, and Roger Waters (good music year).  I’m going to have a sister-in-law come next March (woot!).  I received my first lewd text message(s)/photo and was thoroughly unimpressed.  I went to Key West during Spring Break and actually found parking.  I smart-mouthed more customers… and then became unemployed (through no fault of my own!).  I threw up a few times.  I got a new gyno (good story there).  I made it through the rapture.  I started a new blog, which, sadly, contains some real, serious content.  I’m sorry.  And just now, I survived some really hot leftover Thai curry.  Got any dragons that need slaying?

So there’s a summary.  I’ll tell you stories later, but I just wanted to let all the crickets know I’m still here.

Mmmm, that curry was good.  My colon loves me.

I feel the same way… I think.

•August 24, 2010 • 2 Comments

Quote of the month:

“If my family hadn’t bought that ice cream, I would’ve put my dick in it.”

Blue Bell Ice Cream is obviously doing something right.

Carry on.

Blood, sweat and tea

•June 29, 2010 • 1 Comment

When you work for a chain that sells tea and tea accessories, there are certain very likely factors that will occur…

1) A sway to the left.  Because there is usually a correlation between the consumption of tea and “progressive” “white” “culture”.

2) Tattoos.  Ink and a cup of tea?  Most badass juxtaposition. Ever. (Besides turtles with ninja skills).

3) Consumption of non-FDA-approved “tea”.  See factor #1.  Also because… I mean… duh.

4) ESTROGEN.  Lots of estrogen…

We currently have nine employees, only one of which is a male, and before long he too will become female by osmosis.  Little did I know that this past weekend all our ovaries were conversing…

“OooMG.  I want pizza.”

“It’s too hot in here.”

“Fuck. This.”


“You’re fired!”

And somewhere in between, I seem to have suffered some uterine peer pressure.  After Sunday’s meeting and carbohydrate-laden potluck, my internal teapot decided to shout and pour out.  (sigh)  But it’s okay.  You know what’s delicious?  Pouring milk over a bowl of cookies.  I know, shut up.

Beet It

•June 16, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Too many beets = The prettiest color your poop will ever be 🙂